Have You Seen Mr J's Crayons?
by jokerwho
Summary: The Joker's crayons go missing. The Joker is not happy.


**Have You Seen Mr.J's Crayons?**

Pencils and pens were banned from use by the inmates. In fact, any stationery that could be considered sharp or used as a weapon is prohibited. The rule came into effect when the Joker had used one of his colouring pencils to stab an unfortunate guard in the eye and arm in an attempt to escape.

The plan failed and the guard lost his left eyesight and quit the moment he was released from the hospital. Dr Leland was furious over the incident. It was bad enough that they were short on staff and then the Joker decides to escape by stabbing one of the guards with his favourite purple colouring pencil.

A few days after, all pencils and pens were confiscated from the inmates. No one was allowed to use any form of stationery for a period of time - two days to be exact. This made the Joker very unhappy. He wasn't able to draw and colour illustrations of Batman and his various sidekicks being killed.

He was so unhappy that he had refused to cooperate – not that he ever did to begin with but in short, the Clown Prince of Crime refused to leave his cell. Persuasions by Harley were fruitless as he merely brushed her off and told her to get lost when he found her to be irritating.

In the end, she had ended up leaving his cell in a state of 'full blown' crying after the Joker had insulted her, as described by Poison Ivy.

Eventually, Dr Leland announced that the ban of the use of all stationery was lifted. The Joker had assumed that meant he could get his colouring pencils back but that wasn't the case. Instead, he was presented with a set of crayons one morning.

In a way, he didn't mind losing his cherished set of colouring pencils in exchange for crayons. For as long he could colour and draw gruesome images of Batman dying, he was happy.

Although, Dr Leland had warned him that if he ever tried to injure anyone else with his crayons, the only art he would be allowed to do is finger painting or nothing at all, depending on the seriousness of the situation.

The Joker gave the doctor his best smile and nodded, putting on the image of a well-behaved child. All he cared about was his crayons. They were his and for his use alone. Nobody else, not even Harley was allowed to even touch them.

Some of the inmates, Poison Ivy in particular, had found it childish and stupid that an adult like the Joker would be so protective of his stationery. Harley immediately defended her boyfriend, of course, saying that it was just one of his genius methods of passing the time.

The truth was the Joker is the Joker. The man was unpredictable, a lunatic and if crayons made him happy, then so be it.

And then one day, his crayons went missing.

To say that the Joker was furious is an understatement. He had trashed his cell looking for his stationery.

He had been behaving for the past few weeks so there was no reason for the guards to confiscate it but someone had sneaked into his cell and stolen his precious crayons.

Naturally, the first person he blamed was Poison Ivy. They never got along and she hates him with a passion so it was only reasonable that he blamed Weed Lady.

She had denied his ludicrous accusation, as expected and reasoned that if she had wanted to mess with him, she would have done so much more than simply 'stealing' his crayons. She loathed him even more at that point. She thought she couldn't but he had proved her wrong.

The next person the Joker blamed was Two-Face. One of his crayons broke in half a couple of days ago and so he threw that one crayon away, leaving him with only 11 pieces and knowing that Harvey needed to have everything in pairs, he had asked him if he was the culprit.

Again, Harvey denied ever entering his cell and confiscating his crayons.

At this point, the Joker was beginning to lose his temper. Who else would have the gall to take away his precious stationery? Johnny was too much of a wuss to do something daring like that. The same can be said for Jervis. Those two nerds weren't the type to mess around with him but Eddie was.

The Clown Prince of Crime rolled up his sleeves and approached the Riddler who was seated by one of the small desks in the corner, working on a new riddle.

Eddie was suddenly lifted from his chair and slammed against the wall.

"Alright, nerd, where is it?" he demanded.

"Where is what?" the Riddler exclaimed, struggling.

The Joker narrowed his eyes. "Oh come on, Eddie," he said happily, slowly taking his hands off Eddie. "You know what I'm talking about."

"I… don't," he stammered, trying to balance his breathing as the clown draped an arm over his shoulder.

"I'm losing my patience here, Eddie. Enough with the stupid riddles," he said through gritted teeth, smiling at him. "Where. Are. My. Crayons?"

"I do not have knowledge of the location of your crayons! I was nowhere near your cell!"

The Joker frowned and violently shoved the Riddler away. If Eddie didn't have his crayons, then who did? He was running out of suspects. He would happily blame the Bat but he hadn't seen his best buddy in the whole wide world in two months so it couldn't have been Batsy.

"Hey Pammie, can you tell your plants to look for my crayons?"

"Get lost, you disgusting, self-absorbed creep!" Poison Ivy shrieked at him.

All he did was ask her. She didn't need to get all defensive. "Sheesh, women."

That was when it hit him – Harley. She could have hidden his crayons after he had insulted her when his colouring pencils were confiscated.

Stomping all the way to her cell, he grumbled incoherent words under his breath before knocking on the cell door.

"Harley! I know you have my crayons! Give them back!" he demanded.

"What the hell is the matter with you this time?" she snapped from inside the cell.

"I want my crayons which you stole from me!"

If the door didn't separate them both, Harley would have launched at him and choked the lunatic. "I didn't steal your crayons, Mr.J!"

"If you didn't steal them, then why are they with you?!"

Harley was happily minding her own business when her boyfriend decided to snap at her for no reason. She let out a frustrating sigh. "You gave them to me, you bozo!"

"What?!" he demanded.

His crayons were for his use only. Nobody else and not even Harley, was allowed to touch them.

"Did you suddenly suffer from amnesia, Mr.J?! Don't you remember giving them to me?"

That was when it hit him. The memory of what happened two nights ago played in his mind.

The Joker was on his way to Harley's cell one night, to make it up to her for insulting her. It was late at night and he knew the guards ended their patrol just an hour after midnight.

But he had bumped into a new guard who had just ended his shift, as he was halfway through to Harley's cell.

For a moment, both stood still, too stunned by the other's presence. The Joker had the upper hand when in came to reacting, of course and he had killed the man by snapping his neck to avoid being alerted.

He knew that other guards would soon discover the dead body so the Joker hid it in one of the old therapy rooms.

He knew that Dr Leland would very much likely confiscate his crayons or worse, taking it away forever so after he had hidden the body, the Joker ran back to his cell and collected his stationery before bringing them over to Harley's cell.

Needless to say, she was half pleased to see him, still angry over his insult but when he had requested her to hide his crayons, she reluctantly did so, feeling disappointed that he only came over to hide his items.

In the end he had rewarded her with a kiss before leaving her cell so it didn't turn out too bad for Harley.

"Oh, that's right," he chuckled. "I remember now."

"Joker!"

Both heard Dr Leland growling his name. The body had most likely been discovered.

The Joker grinned, knowing that it was game over for him. "That's my que! See you later, Pumpkin Pie!" he said and blew her a kiss before running off in the opposite direction, cackling madly.

Just another day at Arkham Asylum, it would seem.

* * *

I haven't written a Batman story in a while and have been itching to write one but didn't have any good ideas until I watched a video on YouTube about crayons. Hope you enjoyed reading the story.


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